Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Wow, so this is my first post of the new year??

Huh...fancy first post of the new year?!

It's already been an emotional, eventful year thus far!

I don't know if I'd say that I've come to a crossroads, but it seems like there is some kind of internal, spiritual war going on. My beliefs, faith, LIFE are all being challenged. I hate being tested; it feels like the past year has been one giant test. Can't He just spread it out a bit?!

On one note, I've learned that you can only help people who WANT the help. My friend Tiff, who we moved out here, is heading back to Colorado next week. I had high hopes for her, as I know that Tiffany is better than the life she's settled for. I even got her to see what I saw for awhile and things looked promising. Sadly, she is the same person today that she was a year ago when she was homeless in Colorado. It's sad to think that someone is given a fresh start, they have over 365 days (because it was a leap year lol) to make a change and they have experienced absolutely NO GROWTH in those days. If she was returning under different circumstances, I'd actually be happy for her and proud of her, but no, she's still the same person. She had all these opportunities lined up for her, and although she said she wanted it, her actions proved different. It breaks my heart to see her live her life the way she is. I tried to help her and it'll always be in the back of my mind that whatever I did just wasn't good enough.

I need to break free from that. I need to realize that she just wanted a free ride somewhere else. I've come to the conclusion that she is just looking for the easy way out, a free ride. She doesn't want to have to work to get her GED, her CNA...nothing. She doesn't want a better life. She wants to continue to hold herself down, to settle for something that makes her miserable. Perhaps so that she can continue to play vicim and be bitter about things. Maybe that's what she needs to do to help her sleep at night; justify her decisions...say that she was served some kind of great injustice. I don't know. I'm just so sad to see her go when I had so much hope for her...I don't really feel bitter about the financial stuff that we helped her with, getting her down here, getting attached to her kids; just the fact that she had an amazing opportunity and she threw it away.

2008 was a very trying year, and it started with our marriage being tested. It's not common for people to take in a friend and her went smoothly, but Brandon and I sure had our challenges. I am so glad that I have the Lord to lean on when things get tough, but there were times when it just seemed that it was all too much. I know Brandon was stretched to the limits financially and mentally. It took some pretty seriously bad days for me to realize the huge sacrifice HE made letting my friend come live with us. In the end, our marriage certainly is stronger and we have learned to work as a team in some pretty difficult circumstances.

Not only was our marriage tested once, but you could say it was tested a second time when Brandon was laid off. I just remember someone telling me that Brandon didn't want to tell me when he was laid off because he thought I would leave him. While it was devastating to know that he was laid off, nothing hit me like a ton of bricks quite like hearing that he was afraid I'd leave him-over him losing his JOB?! Ugh, that felt awful. After talking things over, it was his fear that I would leave because I would look at him as less of a man. Oh if he only knew how big of a man he was; this is a man who would do anything, even if it meant selling icewater to eskimos, to try and make sure his family had food, clothes, and shelter.

I cannot say how proud I am to call him my husband. Brandon is an amazing man, truly one of a kind. And, although we have been tested in 2008 and 2009 is turning up to be a year of equal difficulty, he has stood by me to be my rock and my support through it all.

Usually with pain/change/trouble comes growth. We all come out of these things as different people. When I was in my second class at Ashford, a psychology class, we learned about life stages and crises and whatnot. It was said that there are several phases to stages (if that makes sense) and that when we are experiencing a new 'stage' in our life, it is often painful at first, partially because the comfortable phase of the last stage is ending and we are unwilling (subconsciously) to let that go, but that there are tremendous opportunities for growth heading in to the next stage.

I sure am feeling the pain, the growing pains, of going from one stage to another. I am truly having a crisis; I am in the beginning of the crisis and who knows how long it will take me to adjust to my new roles, challenges, and all the crazy curveballs that God has thrown at me.


dana said...

I think this was my favorite of your posts! I dont know how to explain why, but it was.

I wish I could tell you how much you should NOT blaim yourself for Tiffany not wanting to grow up. Its a shame for her children, and those are the *only* ones we should feel bad for. But you did WAY more than most people would, and I am ashamed to say I would probably never have done so much, so it is safe to say that you did MORE than you could have! Dont ever think you didn't do enough.. she just didn't want to accept all the help that you did for her, and to add insult to injury, she trashed your house!! I know this wont convince you of much, you will still feel how you feel, but I wish you knew the immense respect you and Brandon both received from Nikki, Spencer, Brandon and myself {just to name a few} for you selflessly doing what you did for such a selfish person!!
We all know she wasn't my favorite person but it truely is a shame that she's moving back to Colorado.. she seemed to have more going for her here. Sad.

You and Brandon are an amazing partnership, and I am so glad that (if it *had* to happen) your streangth was proven to eachother in 2008.. I'm agreeing that this coming year may be just as trying in different ways, but I know you two will keep eachother strong. I can only hope that Brandon and I will end up having as connected and strong of a marriage (? one day, maybe, hopefully??, lol) as the two of you do!!

Anywho--> in the spirit of the first post of 2009

talk to ya later