Friday, January 29, 2010

Could it be?

Yea, [they are] greedy dogs [which] can never have enough, and they [are] shepherds [that] cannot understand: they all look to their own way, every one for his gain, from his quarter.

Isaiah 56:11


Okey dokey! Sure, we've all had times when we've been convicted; when God has said "Hey, you thick-headed lady, pay attention!"

Well, I've recently had one of those moments. So, I thought this Bible verse would be fitting for what I heard from Him. Ouch...greedy dogs which can never have enough...that certainly strikes a chord with me. So, I've been going through a season of serious doubt. Doubt about how we will survive, how we will buy food, how we will afford our house payment. Work is slow, money is extremely tight, and we have never been in this financial situation before.

Before this all happened, we were pretty darn comfortable. We could buy groceries whenever we needed to, even if we didn't NEED to, ya know? I could shop, afford a gym membership, go on vacation, eat out, and anything else that I took for granted. I certainly was not being a good steward of my blessings. And then, they all went away. All the monetary blessings, anyway. Since then, I have struggled to trust God, struggled to understand that perhaps this was all part of his master plan, part of my lesson that I was supposed to be learning. Ever since my world was turned upside down, we've had a series of ups and downs. Sometimes things are great, sometimes they are just awful. Really, I wasn't seeing it, I wasn't seeing what He was trying to show me.

I think the fog is finally lifting and I'm starting to see the purpose in all of this turmoil that's been going on. But, this brings about a whole new host of emotions and ideas. Now I need some new direction, so I suppose I know what that means! Gosh, I really hope I can change...



Monday, January 25, 2010

Understanding

"Hear my cry, O God; Listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I, For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. For you have heard my vows, O God; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name. "
Psalm 61:1-5

My heart is heavy this morning. That "winter" season that I spoke of is blatantly obvious this morning. So, I did the only thing that I knew how to do: pray.

So I prayed...and I prayed some more. Nursing Hannah, I prayed. I flipped open my Bible for the first time (eek) in a long time, and the above psalm jumped out at me. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint. Why did that jump out at me? What am I supposed to be learning? I can certainly relate to the faint heart, and I have been calling. Perhaps this is a slap in the face that God is hearing me? I don't think this is meant to give me an answer that I've been looking for, but rather confirmation. Confirmation that I'm being heard.

Nevertheless, my heart is still heavy, I'm still scared. Perhaps I just don't see the ways that God is providing for us. The way I think we *need* him to provide for us isn't the way he *is* providing for us, perhaps? Once again, what are we supposed to learn?


Oh who knows. None of us have the answers, so I suppose that means I turn to the One who does!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010

So...

So, I took a two-month hiatus from blogging. I really hate doing that, but with the busyness of the holidays and everything going on, I just haven't had the motivation.

Plus, I've been looking for some motivation/inspiration somewhere. Mine seems to be lacking and I'm hating it. I feel like a lost sheep...so where the heck is my Father?

Sometimes I feel abandoned by God. Things haven't gone particularly great in the past few years, and I know He has a purpose, but I am constantly wondering what it is and why I'm so unhappy and void of emotion except anger, anxiety, and sadness. "Turn to the Bible" people tell me, and I do, only to find myself convicted of something and forced to face yet *another* thing that I need to change. It's all so overwhelming.

We all go through seasons in our spirituality, so I'm hoping that I'm in a winter-like season in my spirituality; where the days are shorter and darker, the weather is bad, I'm not able to get anywhere...but I don't despair because Spring is just around the corner; the days get longer and brighter, and the sun kisses the Earth and brings new life for us to enjoy.

I'm cautiously optimistic, and I've been waiting for this "spring-like" season to start for over a year. I hate to say I'm getting impatient, but I am definitely beginning to question God's plan for me, my family, and my life...am I doing something wrong? Are my priorities wrong? Should I quit school and focus on the family more? WHAT does he want me to do? I know he listens, I know he has a purpose, and my issues are primarily with ME not being able to accept His plan, heck, I hate that I hate not KNOWING his plan for me!