Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 comes to a close...

So it's the last day of the year...the funny thing is that while others are looking forward and coming up with resolutions for 2014, I'm stuck thinking about 2013, and it's not good. 

I have a confession to make...

I hold an extreme amount of anger, hurt, and sadness in my heart. 2013 contributed to that quite a bit, but also made me realize just how ugly and dangerous this is. 

I've always been able to deal with my feelings, to process things that happen and cope with whatever was going on. However, I'm not sure if it's just that there has been a concentration of negative experiences with particular people *or* if I'm just becoming aware of the fact that I'm not as good at handling my emotions as I thought I was, but everything came to a head this year. This was the year that I let it all get to me, this was the year when I would think daily about how hurt or angry I was about a particular situation or person. This was the year that anger and sadness clouded my days, polluted an otherwise happy existence.

What happens when you've read so many books your shelf is full, or prayed so many prayers that have gone unanswered, or cried so many tears over all of this that you just can't *anything* anymore? 10 years of suffering, 10 years of hurt and anger and resentment...and I'm still stuck, suffering and begging God to deliver me from this awful, dark hole. Anger has a hold on my heart, and I desperately need to break free. 

What happens when you desperately try to repair a relationship, pouring your heart and soul in to an apology, and the person shoves it all in your face? They don't want to forgive you, they don't want to admit their part in the failing of the relationship. You pray and you pray for God to help you accept this, but He doesn't answer...it's just quiet. The person has a negative opinion of you...they just don't like you and there's nothing you can do to change that. There is no way to repair the relationship because they don't have any desire to have a relationship with you at all. 

To a person like me, a highly emotional, empathic person, this is absolutely devastating. To be told there is nothing I can do, I'm just not liked...for a person to act like they could give a hoot about me, about my desperate efforts to understand what I did to make them so unhappy with me...it's like a death sentence to me. I have allowed myself to fixate on this very fact this year, and I'm so sick and tired of letting this run my life, letting this dictate my mood and feelings. 

This is my attempt to banish my anger and my hurt. I have no idea where to start or how to do this, but 2014 has GOT to be different. I am hopeful that I can leave all the negative in my heart back in 2013 and grow as a person in 2014. I am hopeful that I can recognize when I'm starting to fall in to old habits. 

This is the last time I'm going to speak about this. This is the last time I'm going to let these thoughts or these emotions around these particular situations take up any of my energy or time. I have to move on, and I'm hoping that I can do that successfully this year. Hopefully 2014 will be a year of renewal for me, and although I highly doubt that the situations/people I'm writing about will really ever be resolved, hopefully I can learn to move on and live my life without being consumed by the negativity surrounding them. 2014 is going to be the year I quit focusing on lost causes and start focusing on relationships and activities that enhance my life and that of my family.